Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
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