I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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