I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
