We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Randomize
