I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
