RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
He felt like a one man threesome
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
