sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
