The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
