M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
two words: eviction party
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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