hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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