were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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