my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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