I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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