i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
