My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Banned from zoo.
Again?
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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