my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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