I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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