Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
It was confusing and full of hummus
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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