I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
