I just pynch a tree in the face
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
