You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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