This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
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