Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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