had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
