Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
