i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
