I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
