I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
