She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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