Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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