I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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