The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
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he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
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You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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