Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
