I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
