How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
