hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
