what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Randomize
