i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
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