So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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