We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
