I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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