Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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