I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
