i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
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