I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Randomize
