careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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