you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Randomize
