Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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