I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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