So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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