I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
