my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
