My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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