come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
