I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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