We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
